新年第一天

昏昏沉沉，被电话铃声吵醒，看看钟，已经是下午四点多了。除了中午醒了一次，已睡了差不多十个小时。可还是感觉身心疲乏，一闭上眼就又能昏睡不醒似的。饥肠辘辘，家里好像没有什么吃的。浴室的热水也不知work了没有。看看房间四周脏乱不堪，心想还是赖在床上好了。

今天是新年第一天，一个人孤零零的躺在冰冷的房间里，希望不要一整年都是这样过！

今年我其实过了两次年，第一次是在飞机上。我死死的盯着前方的银屏，看着我乘坐的飞机的小小图标一点一点穿越了Date Line。2007了，崭新的一年，泪水顺着脸颊就淌了下来。想起去年新年在Salt Lake City给自己的祝福。今年要祝愿自己什么呢？还是不要祝愿了吧，期盼越高，失望越大。一次次的期盼和失望使人心变的脆弱，敏感和烦躁。习惯将得不到的东西美好化了，总是一直生活在幻想里。在发现现实和理想的距离之后一次又一次的失落。并不是从未意识到这一点，翻看早先的旧文，曾写过一篇Choice：

Choice

The hardest thing in the world is to make a choice, because you know there is no second chance, and you never know whether the other way is better. Life is cruel, it only goes forward, you make your choice, don't ever regret it, 'cause life will never turn back for you.

There was one time; I thought I have found what I have been looking for. I was happy. Now I realized that I just live in the bubble world I build up for myself. I believe in whatever I want to believe in. All the beautiful colors in the bubble are just reflection of my imagination. Now the bubble starts to leak, shrink, the color has faded. Shall I just break it and jump out? It will be hard, my body still wants to hang on within it, still wants to believe what's in the bubble is real life. Will it ever be real?

I hate to make choice, I have made so many choices in my life, and it gets harder and harder. I wish that my life can be much simpler. I thought I had a simple happy life in my bubble, yet, only in the bubble.

后来，又写了一篇 Nepenthe：

Nepenthe

My bubble world finally broke. All the colorful imaginations fell into small pieces; my heart is falling with them, trying to catch all the pieces in vain. It tried so hard, but the piece it caught has already turned into grey color. My heart kept falling, there is no end, and there is no place it can rest, so tired.

I heard that 70% of human's body is water. I think at least 5% of the water is tears. I'm 3% less weight than what I was yesterday morning. Crying probably is a good solution to loose weight. Just need to remember, eat less salt, 'cause tear is really bitter.

If you have a potion of Nepenthe, will you drink it? I always thought that I won't. Whatever I went through or am going through is my own life experience, it helps me to grow. But sometime, maybe a little potion can make things a lot easier...

那一次是真的伤心了，一生中从未有过的心痛。可是生活还是要继续，只能象受伤的狮子，白天作出一副世界之王的样子，而夜里却躲在一旁偷偷舔舐自己的伤口。之后，还有一次次的受伤，可是学会了保护自己不被伤的太深。最终发现，人是会逐渐习惯于伤痛的，虽然不好受，但并不是不可忍耐的，象周国平在“妞妞”里所写：

身处一种旷日持久的灾难之中，为了同这灾难拉开一个心理距离，可以有种种办法。乐观者会尽量“朝前看”，把眼光投向雨过天晴的未来，看到灾难的暂时性，从而怀抱一种希望。悲观者会尽量居高临下地“俯视”灾难，把它放在人生虚无的大背景下来看，看破人间祸福的无谓，从而产生一种超脱的心境。倘若我们既非乐观的诗人，亦非悲观的哲人，而只是得过且过的普通人，我们仍然可以甚至必然有意无意地掉头不看眼前的灾难，尽量把注意力放在生活中尚存的别的欢乐上，哪怕是些极琐屑的欢乐，只要我们还活着，这类欢乐是任何灾难都不能把它们彻底消灭掉的。所有这些办法，实质上都是逃避，而逃避常常是必要的。

如果我们骄傲得不肯逃避，或者沉重得不能逃避，怎么办呢？

剩下的唯一办法是忍。

我们终于发现，忍受不可忍受的灾难是人类的命运。接着我们又发现，只要咬牙忍受，世上并无不可忍受的灾难。

忍受久了，就会成为习惯。而一旦适应习惯了，你会觉得生活就应该是这样的，再让你去做出改变，人反而会犹豫不决，不知该如何跳出自己的comfort zone了。放眼四周，不都是这样吗？夫妻间生活平淡，每天晚上的"Honey, I love you!"说的和每日对老板的"Morning, Bob!"一样成为了例行公事，只是为了说而说，并不是为了心而说。为了换取一刻的平静，又有多少人忽视了内心的真话，而只是为了说而说，做而做呢？

2007年的第一天，写下这些胡言乱语，想给自己制定一个实质的新年计划，可又不知到到底是否有能力去完成，不知能否做到言行一致。想一想，还是给自己一个空洞的祝福，祝自己新年里快乐健康！